I've finally packed away my pump today. After 10 very long months, I am finally done with pumping. I am both sad and excited. It is definitely bittersweet. I've spent the last 10 months exclusively pumping, scheduling my life around my pumps and bringing my pump every where I go. I should be completely happy that I no longer have to worry about pumping, but part of me feels so sad inside for not being able to give Ellie fresh breast milk anymore. Maybe it's the guilt. I'm not sure. Before I was pregnant, I really didn't care if I formula fed my baby. I was formula fed as a child and I don't think any less of my mother. Then when I became pregant and became more informed about breast feeding, I knew that's what I wanted to do. After 2 long and painful weeks, the harsh reality of not being able to nurse set in, and I started exclusively pumping. Everyone always makes it seem like breast feeding is such a natural act, and I just couldn't understand why I couldn't get my daughter to latch correctly. I honestly can still feel the tears, the pain, and the sadness of not being able to put her to my breast anymore. I can still hear her cries and feel how much it hurt me to say, that's it, no more, I will not subject her to this frustration and hunger any more. If she can't latch, I'll just pump it out for her. Just because she couldn't nurse didn't mean that she couldn't get breast milk. I wanted to give her the best start in life. I didn't care how hard it was. I cried almost every night to Frank the first couple of months. I felt inadequate. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn't do the one natural act a mother was made to do. I couldn't feed my child.
Then I became obsessed with my pumping schedule. I pumped around the clock, never sleeping more than 2 hour stretches to make sure that I was able to build a big supply for her. My whole family thought I was going crazy. I thought I was going crazy. They tried their best to be supportive, but kept telling me to just give her formula for my sanity. Now I know formula is not poison and I have nothing against feeding formula, but my whole rational was, if I was able to produce it, why wouldn't I give it to her? I am saving tons of money and giving her the best start. There are so many mothers out there who are desperately trying to give whatever breast milk they can to their little ones. I once read that a mother was happy to just give a couple of ounces of breast milk a day to her child and even though she was such a low producer, it was enough to keep her going. If others can go through this for a few ounces, I should be able to keep going for as long as I can since I was able to provide all her meals and more. Then somewhere down the line, I became a huge overproducer. I was so proud of myself. So glad that although not being able to nurse, I was still able to provide. Surely, there's some redemption in that. It's crazy, but even though I was producing way more than she was eating, I couldn't get myself to pump less. I was so afraid that by pumping less, I would lose my supply and not produce enough to feed her. It was a very vicious cycle.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I never thought that I would have been able to keep pumping for 10 whole months. My initial goal was just 4 months and feed her the frozen milk until she's 6 months. Then at 4 months, I pushed it back to 6 months hoping that I would have enough freezer stash to last her until 9 months. After all the trouble with clogged ducts, Frank really wanted me to quit at 6 months. But he has been nothing but supportive of me. I feel so grateful for him because he has gotten me through a lot of low points. Although he really wanted me to stop, he supported my decision to keep pumping to 9 months and feed her frozen until a year. I just thought, I was so close, what's 3 more months? If I can just do 3 more months, that would guarantee Ellie breast milk until she's one year old. That way, I would never have to buy her formula. She would be able to transition to whole milk when our freezer supply finishes.
I read somewhere that 'exclusively pumping is the most selfless act that a mother can do for her child' and I couldn't agree more. It is so much work, but worth every minute, every pump, when I see my daughter thriving. It is worth all the getting up in the middle of the night, worth all of the pain, worth all of the trouble, and worth all of my heartache. I know it does not make me a better mother, but it has definitely taught me what dedication truly means. I'm so glad I stuck through with this. I want to thank my family for being so supportive of me, with special thanks to Denise for being my personal lactation consultant/post partum counselor/pediatrician/cousin/BFF all in one.
And I want to thank my husband, for never thinking any less of me for not being able to nurse our daughter... for always telling me it's ok to feed her formula if it makes my life easier and happier... for standing by me all the time... for all those nights that he let me cry on his shoulder... for loving me and making me want to be a better mother every day.
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