I've finally packed away my pump today. After 10 very long months, I am finally done with pumping. I am both sad and excited. It is definitely bittersweet. I've spent the last 10 months exclusively pumping, scheduling my life around my pumps and bringing my pump every where I go. I should be completely happy that I no longer have to worry about pumping, but part of me feels so sad inside for not being able to give Ellie fresh breast milk anymore. Maybe it's the guilt. I'm not sure. Before I was pregnant, I really didn't care if I formula fed my baby. I was formula fed as a child and I don't think any less of my mother. Then when I became pregant and became more informed about breast feeding, I knew that's what I wanted to do. After 2 long and painful weeks, the harsh reality of not being able to nurse set in, and I started exclusively pumping. Everyone always makes it seem like breast feeding is such a natural act, and I just couldn't understand why I couldn't get my daughter to latch correctly. I honestly can still feel the tears, the pain, and the sadness of not being able to put her to my breast anymore. I can still hear her cries and feel how much it hurt me to say, that's it, no more, I will not subject her to this frustration and hunger any more. If she can't latch, I'll just pump it out for her. Just because she couldn't nurse didn't mean that she couldn't get breast milk. I wanted to give her the best start in life. I didn't care how hard it was. I cried almost every night to Frank the first couple of months. I felt inadequate. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn't do the one natural act a mother was made to do. I couldn't feed my child.
Then I became obsessed with my pumping schedule. I pumped around the clock, never sleeping more than 2 hour stretches to make sure that I was able to build a big supply for her. My whole family thought I was going crazy. I thought I was going crazy. They tried their best to be supportive, but kept telling me to just give her formula for my sanity. Now I know formula is not poison and I have nothing against feeding formula, but my whole rational was, if I was able to produce it, why wouldn't I give it to her? I am saving tons of money and giving her the best start. There are so many mothers out there who are desperately trying to give whatever breast milk they can to their little ones. I once read that a mother was happy to just give a couple of ounces of breast milk a day to her child and even though she was such a low producer, it was enough to keep her going. If others can go through this for a few ounces, I should be able to keep going for as long as I can since I was able to provide all her meals and more. Then somewhere down the line, I became a huge overproducer. I was so proud of myself. So glad that although not being able to nurse, I was still able to provide. Surely, there's some redemption in that. It's crazy, but even though I was producing way more than she was eating, I couldn't get myself to pump less. I was so afraid that by pumping less, I would lose my supply and not produce enough to feed her. It was a very vicious cycle.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I never thought that I would have been able to keep pumping for 10 whole months. My initial goal was just 4 months and feed her the frozen milk until she's 6 months. Then at 4 months, I pushed it back to 6 months hoping that I would have enough freezer stash to last her until 9 months. After all the trouble with clogged ducts, Frank really wanted me to quit at 6 months. But he has been nothing but supportive of me. I feel so grateful for him because he has gotten me through a lot of low points. Although he really wanted me to stop, he supported my decision to keep pumping to 9 months and feed her frozen until a year. I just thought, I was so close, what's 3 more months? If I can just do 3 more months, that would guarantee Ellie breast milk until she's one year old. That way, I would never have to buy her formula. She would be able to transition to whole milk when our freezer supply finishes.
I read somewhere that 'exclusively pumping is the most selfless act that a mother can do for her child' and I couldn't agree more. It is so much work, but worth every minute, every pump, when I see my daughter thriving. It is worth all the getting up in the middle of the night, worth all of the pain, worth all of the trouble, and worth all of my heartache. I know it does not make me a better mother, but it has definitely taught me what dedication truly means. I'm so glad I stuck through with this. I want to thank my family for being so supportive of me, with special thanks to Denise for being my personal lactation consultant/post partum counselor/pediatrician/cousin/BFF all in one.
And I want to thank my husband, for never thinking any less of me for not being able to nurse our daughter... for always telling me it's ok to feed her formula if it makes my life easier and happier... for standing by me all the time... for all those nights that he let me cry on his shoulder... for loving me and making me want to be a better mother every day.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
First Snow - Mammoth for New Year
For Ellie's first New Year, we decided to celebrate it in Mammoth. We stayed at a 3 bedroom condo right across the street from Canyon Lodge. We were able to see the Village Gondola right from the living room window! There was a lot of snow in Mammoth that weekend and it even snowed 3 out of the 5 days we were there! Ellie had a lot of fun playing in the snow. Only issue was that I bundled her up so much that she couldn't even move! I mean, I had to keep her warm! Frank found a quiet, shaded area right in the courtyard where we took her to play. We had to climb up on top of 13 feet of snow! The top was full of fresh powder which was great. Ellie laughed the entire time we were up there playing. She was honestly great during the day the entire time we were in Mammoth, but it was night time that was a bit rough.
Before going, I kept asking myself and Frank if it was wrong for me to subject her to this vacation. I wasn't sure if I was doing it for her, so that she can see snow for the first time, or for me. I was very afraid that she wasn't going to sleep well while we were up there and I was also worried about the car ride there. Ellie has suddenly developed an aversion to her car seat. She can't stand to sit still for long periods of time and the drive to Mammoth is 6+ hours! And of course, packing for her took our entire car. Our car was so loaded that we had to use the space from the empty passenger seats! It's such a huge production to travel with small children! Thankfully, she was ok during the car rides. She got fussy lots of times, but definitely manageable. What made me feel horrible about the trip was the rough nights she was having. She woke up multiple times during the night crying. I know the poor girl was in an unfamiliar place and probably had separation anxiety. She would quiet down as soon as I picked her up and held her. She then would immediately fall asleep again, then I would put her back down, and it would start all over again in an hour. She just couldn't get a good night sleep! The more she woke up and cried, the worse I felt! Only good thing was that, she woke up in the morning happy and smiling. She was ready to play as if she had a great night's rest. So I dreaded night time while we were up there, but still definitely worth it to see her laugh and enjoy the snow. I can't wait until she's a little older so that she can truly appreciate the snow and enjoy life up in the mountains!
Before going, I kept asking myself and Frank if it was wrong for me to subject her to this vacation. I wasn't sure if I was doing it for her, so that she can see snow for the first time, or for me. I was very afraid that she wasn't going to sleep well while we were up there and I was also worried about the car ride there. Ellie has suddenly developed an aversion to her car seat. She can't stand to sit still for long periods of time and the drive to Mammoth is 6+ hours! And of course, packing for her took our entire car. Our car was so loaded that we had to use the space from the empty passenger seats! It's such a huge production to travel with small children! Thankfully, she was ok during the car rides. She got fussy lots of times, but definitely manageable. What made me feel horrible about the trip was the rough nights she was having. She woke up multiple times during the night crying. I know the poor girl was in an unfamiliar place and probably had separation anxiety. She would quiet down as soon as I picked her up and held her. She then would immediately fall asleep again, then I would put her back down, and it would start all over again in an hour. She just couldn't get a good night sleep! The more she woke up and cried, the worse I felt! Only good thing was that, she woke up in the morning happy and smiling. She was ready to play as if she had a great night's rest. So I dreaded night time while we were up there, but still definitely worth it to see her laugh and enjoy the snow. I can't wait until she's a little older so that she can truly appreciate the snow and enjoy life up in the mountains!
10 Months and First Christmas
It has definitely been busy around here. Now that the holidays are over, I am finally catching up on updating Ellie's blog. I really want to be able to keep this up so that when she's older, she can look back and read my posts. This also helps me remember all the important moments of her life. Sometimes I find myself already forgetting what she was like as a newborn. It seems so long ago! I mean, in a couple of months, she's going to be one year old. My little girl is growing up so quickly. It is bittersweet to watch her grow and develop. I'm sad that she's getting so big, but also so excited to see her reach her milestones. She has been crawling and cruising since 7 months and still haven't gotten the confidence to walk yet. But that's ok, she's already getting into enough trouble crawling, I can't imagine having to run after her all the time after she starts walking.
Ellie's first Christmas was lots of fun. We went over to the Huas' on Christmas Eve and had the best Christmas dinner ever! Denise Yee Ma even made us yummy brunch the next day. I hope to start a tradition so that Ellie will always get to open her presents on Christmas morning with her 3 goh gohs. Ellie was a bit young to completely participate in all the festivities of Christmas, but definitely a Christmas mommy and daddy will always remember. It was of course the one that we got what we had always wish for, the light of our lives.
Here's the picture we used for our first holiday greeting card.
Ellie's first stocking!
Christmas morning at the Huas'. Ready to open up her presents!
Ellie's first Christmas was lots of fun. We went over to the Huas' on Christmas Eve and had the best Christmas dinner ever! Denise Yee Ma even made us yummy brunch the next day. I hope to start a tradition so that Ellie will always get to open her presents on Christmas morning with her 3 goh gohs. Ellie was a bit young to completely participate in all the festivities of Christmas, but definitely a Christmas mommy and daddy will always remember. It was of course the one that we got what we had always wish for, the light of our lives.
Here's the picture we used for our first holiday greeting card.
Ellie's first stocking!
Christmas morning at the Huas'. Ready to open up her presents!
9 Months
At her 9 Month Well Baby visit, Ellie was 22 pounds and 28.5 inches. She is such a happy baby. My sunshine, my love, my life...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
7 Months
She cut her first tooth yesterday!!! When I got back from work, Frank told me to put my finger in her mouth and feel her gums, and to my surprise, I felt something sharp and pointy! There are 3 little white bumps where the tooth is breaking through. I can also see the tooth next to that one about to come up also. Wow, she's not going to be a toothless baby anymore! So of course, I am both happy and sad. Happy that she's going to finally have teeth, but sad that she's never going to be my toothless little girl anymore... Why do babies grow up so quickly? I am not ready for this at all. A couple of weeks ago, she pushed herself back up to a sitting position from her tummy. I was so proud of her! I just want to freeze her at this stage. She's so easily amused by us now. Always so happy. I'm so afraid that as she gets older, she won't want to spend all of her time with us anymore. I just want to be able to hug her and hold her all the time. She's already showing signs of wanting more independent playtime now. She's great at sitting and playing on her own in her room and she loves the freedom of roaming anywhere she wants in her walker. She's gotten really good with the walker now, she's Guinny's worst nightmare!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
6 Months
I have come to the realization that I am not a very diligent blogger! I guess time is sort of an issue too, but then of course I am just looking for excuses =) First thing first, at Ellie's 6 month check up, she was 19.9 lbs and 26.5 inches, 90th and 75th percentile respectively! I may be partial, but she is getting cuter and cuter every day! I love all of her rolls and just want to hug her ALL the time!!!
At five months, Ellie went on her first official vacation to Cancun! She did pretty well on the plane ride which was surprising to me. I for sure thought that I was going to be the one with the crying baby the entire plane ride, but she was such a good girl. We didn't have much time to do much, but we did take her to Xcaret. She did fine with the heat, sun and humidity. I think she did better than I did. We spent a lot of time just relaxing at the hotel pools and beach. All in all, a great time! Although traveling with an infant has its inconveniences, it was definitely worth it to us. Hopefully, there will be many more family vacations to come.
Developmentally, she has done a lot. At five months, we started her on solids. At first, I thought I was going to make my own baby food, but I realized that I really didn't have that much time and I'd rather be spending any extra time that I have playing with her, so we are going the jarred baby food path, which is fine with both Frank and me. She also started sitting unassisted at 5 months. Now, she is a total pro at sitting by herself and playing independently. We bought the alphabet foam pads for her room, and as soon as I put her down at one corner, she rolls ALL over the place and can end up at the opposite corner in a matter of seconds. She is able to get on all fours, but no crawling movements yet. At the beginning, she showed a preference of rolling one direction and as first time parents, we started worrying that she wasn't going to be able to roll the other direction, but now, she has mastered rolling both to her left and her right, from tummy to back and back to tummy. We also started putting her in her walker. She's great at moving backwards in it and also trying to move forward, but that seems like it's much harder to learn than flying backwards =) Ellie also babbles a lot more now. She's constantly playing with her consonant sounds, but they're mostly "da da da da da" or "ba ba ba ba ba", very rarely would she go "ma ma ma" but I am working on it with her! Also, the other big improvement is her naps. She's now able to fall asleep on her own pretty well for naps. We no longer have to hold her and rock her for 20+ minutes. Took some time to get here, but I think she's finally grasp the concept that it's nap time and we're putting her down because she's tired and needs sleep. We just have to work on extending the duration of naps now... It's hard, she's so alert all of the time and curious about the world. She doesn't want to miss out on anything that goes on around her.
The other night when I was putting her to bed, I held her on me and was about to walk over to her crib to put her down. I looked into the mirror and saw our reflection and couldn't help but feel a bit sad inside. Don't get me wrong, I love how she's a happy girl and excited for new milestones, and I'd never thought I'd say this, but I miss her as a newborn. I still remember when we first brought her home, she looked so small when I held her against me. Now she is so much longer and bigger. Pretty soon, she won't be our "little" girl anymore! She already won't let us cradle her anymore, and we had to put her infant swing away a couple of weeks ago. Time really flies and I'm going to miss being able to hold her and cuddle with her. I am loving the stage that she's at though. I love how she's able to sit on her own and play contently with her toys by herself. Pretty soon, she'll be moving all over the place and probably won't be so still when I want to cuddle with her anymore =(
Oh please Ellie, don't grow up so quickly. Mommy just want to hold you and love you and protect you forever...
At five months, Ellie went on her first official vacation to Cancun! She did pretty well on the plane ride which was surprising to me. I for sure thought that I was going to be the one with the crying baby the entire plane ride, but she was such a good girl. We didn't have much time to do much, but we did take her to Xcaret. She did fine with the heat, sun and humidity. I think she did better than I did. We spent a lot of time just relaxing at the hotel pools and beach. All in all, a great time! Although traveling with an infant has its inconveniences, it was definitely worth it to us. Hopefully, there will be many more family vacations to come.
Developmentally, she has done a lot. At five months, we started her on solids. At first, I thought I was going to make my own baby food, but I realized that I really didn't have that much time and I'd rather be spending any extra time that I have playing with her, so we are going the jarred baby food path, which is fine with both Frank and me. She also started sitting unassisted at 5 months. Now, she is a total pro at sitting by herself and playing independently. We bought the alphabet foam pads for her room, and as soon as I put her down at one corner, she rolls ALL over the place and can end up at the opposite corner in a matter of seconds. She is able to get on all fours, but no crawling movements yet. At the beginning, she showed a preference of rolling one direction and as first time parents, we started worrying that she wasn't going to be able to roll the other direction, but now, she has mastered rolling both to her left and her right, from tummy to back and back to tummy. We also started putting her in her walker. She's great at moving backwards in it and also trying to move forward, but that seems like it's much harder to learn than flying backwards =) Ellie also babbles a lot more now. She's constantly playing with her consonant sounds, but they're mostly "da da da da da" or "ba ba ba ba ba", very rarely would she go "ma ma ma" but I am working on it with her! Also, the other big improvement is her naps. She's now able to fall asleep on her own pretty well for naps. We no longer have to hold her and rock her for 20+ minutes. Took some time to get here, but I think she's finally grasp the concept that it's nap time and we're putting her down because she's tired and needs sleep. We just have to work on extending the duration of naps now... It's hard, she's so alert all of the time and curious about the world. She doesn't want to miss out on anything that goes on around her.
The other night when I was putting her to bed, I held her on me and was about to walk over to her crib to put her down. I looked into the mirror and saw our reflection and couldn't help but feel a bit sad inside. Don't get me wrong, I love how she's a happy girl and excited for new milestones, and I'd never thought I'd say this, but I miss her as a newborn. I still remember when we first brought her home, she looked so small when I held her against me. Now she is so much longer and bigger. Pretty soon, she won't be our "little" girl anymore! She already won't let us cradle her anymore, and we had to put her infant swing away a couple of weeks ago. Time really flies and I'm going to miss being able to hold her and cuddle with her. I am loving the stage that she's at though. I love how she's able to sit on her own and play contently with her toys by herself. Pretty soon, she'll be moving all over the place and probably won't be so still when I want to cuddle with her anymore =(
Oh please Ellie, don't grow up so quickly. Mommy just want to hold you and love you and protect you forever...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
4 Months
At Ellie's 4 month well baby checkup, she was 17lb and 25in!!! Mommy's little chubster. When her pediatrician saw her, the first thing he said was, 'wow, she's chubby huh? that's good!' Yup, she is definitely well nourished by mommy's milk! The other day, Frank and I were looking at her newborn pictures and she looks completely different now. She just gets cuter and cuter every day!
Over the 4th of July weekend, her Auntie Denise shaved her head, so now she has no hair. At first, I was really afraid of shaving her head, but since all of the hair on the back of her head is rubbed off, she looks so funny, that I finally gave into peer pressure! Surprisingly, it came out pretty good! My mom and dad love her new look. Ellie was also really well behaved during the entire process. She didn't cry at all, not even when she got a little cut on her ear.
She is babbling, smiling, and laughing a lot now, but she is still a screamer! Periodically, she'll also squeal in delight which is really cute! She can roll over from tummy to back, and we are now working on unassisted sitting. When she's on her playmat, she'll always roll over half way from back to side to reach for her toys, but hasn't really gotten all the way over yet without our help. She also loves to stand and has very strong legs. Her favorite activities lately are peekaboo and singing with hand motions. The itsy bitsy spider song gets her to smile and laugh almost all the time! And I know, all parents probably say this, but honestly, there is no better sound in this world than to hear your own child laugh. I hope I will always be able to make Ellie laugh...
Over the 4th of July weekend, her Auntie Denise shaved her head, so now she has no hair. At first, I was really afraid of shaving her head, but since all of the hair on the back of her head is rubbed off, she looks so funny, that I finally gave into peer pressure! Surprisingly, it came out pretty good! My mom and dad love her new look. Ellie was also really well behaved during the entire process. She didn't cry at all, not even when she got a little cut on her ear.
She is babbling, smiling, and laughing a lot now, but she is still a screamer! Periodically, she'll also squeal in delight which is really cute! She can roll over from tummy to back, and we are now working on unassisted sitting. When she's on her playmat, she'll always roll over half way from back to side to reach for her toys, but hasn't really gotten all the way over yet without our help. She also loves to stand and has very strong legs. Her favorite activities lately are peekaboo and singing with hand motions. The itsy bitsy spider song gets her to smile and laugh almost all the time! And I know, all parents probably say this, but honestly, there is no better sound in this world than to hear your own child laugh. I hope I will always be able to make Ellie laugh...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
100th Day
Today is Ellie's 100th day. Seriously, where does the time go? She has finally started sleeping through the night now too! Been almost a consistent 2 weeks. Hopefully she can keep it up. Last weekend, we took her to Vegas for her grandpa's birthday. She went into the pool with her daddy for the very first time. Babies look so adorable in their little bathing suits. We figured we should start her in the pool early. That way she can get used to the water and learn to swim soon, then later on, she can go abalone fishing with us =) I wonder if there is an age limit?
Ellie's continuing to grow every day. Everyone always comments on the rolls on her arms and legs. I think they are super cute! Just means that she's thriving and well nourished by her mommy!
Ellie's continuing to grow every day. Everyone always comments on the rolls on her arms and legs. I think they are super cute! Just means that she's thriving and well nourished by her mommy!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
3 Months
Can't believe it's been 3 months already. Time truly goes by so quickly. Pretty soon I'll be back at work. I am terrified that I will miss out on her when the time comes. Frank says that he'll talk Ellie into waiting for me to come home first before reaching any of her milestones. If only that would be the case. I want to witness every one of her "firsts". I want to be there the first time she gets up to crawl, her first step, her first word. But I know that I have to go back to work, so right now, I just want to enjoy every second that I get to spend at home with her.
Ellie's growth and development have been pretty on track. She's now close to 15 pounds already! Her chubby cheeks, arms and legs make her so cute and adorable! I know I may be partial though =) She's a lot more alert and active when she's awake now, and she loves to talk to her daddy. I swear, she's extra talkative when Frank is talking to her. Already a daddy's girl! Oh, and she finally laughed aloud last week! It is honestly the greatest sound ever!
So no one ever told me that being a first time mother was going to be this hard. I'm not exactly certain if I would be having any more children since I really obsess about everything. I have a constant fear that I am doing something wrong. Right now, I am definitely obsessed with her sleep! She gets crazy when she's overly tired so I'm trying my best to put her down for naps before she gets cranky. That means that I always think twice about taking her out. I feel like almost everything interrupts her sleeping schedule, so we're cooped up at home most of the time. But the good thing is that she's falling into a more predictable schedule now, so hopefully she can keep it up!
Ellie's growth and development have been pretty on track. She's now close to 15 pounds already! Her chubby cheeks, arms and legs make her so cute and adorable! I know I may be partial though =) She's a lot more alert and active when she's awake now, and she loves to talk to her daddy. I swear, she's extra talkative when Frank is talking to her. Already a daddy's girl! Oh, and she finally laughed aloud last week! It is honestly the greatest sound ever!
So no one ever told me that being a first time mother was going to be this hard. I'm not exactly certain if I would be having any more children since I really obsess about everything. I have a constant fear that I am doing something wrong. Right now, I am definitely obsessed with her sleep! She gets crazy when she's overly tired so I'm trying my best to put her down for naps before she gets cranky. That means that I always think twice about taking her out. I feel like almost everything interrupts her sleeping schedule, so we're cooped up at home most of the time. But the good thing is that she's falling into a more predictable schedule now, so hopefully she can keep it up!
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